The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
tell me about the eggs
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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