I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
