tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
