You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
