hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
