My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
