I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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