i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
