you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
