1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Randomize
