1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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