i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
