Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
