I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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