Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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