a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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