I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
