My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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