Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
