So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize