Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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