I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
