I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
