Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
