My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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