my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
