Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
