when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
