I can't watch pbs sober anymore
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
