I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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