Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Randomize
