guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
