Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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