I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
