just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
