I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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