I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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