I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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