my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
