someone threw a dead crab at me
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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