I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
