Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
