I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
