I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Blood and glitter go together right?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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