There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
