Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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