She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
