Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
