i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
