I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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