Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
