The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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