You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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