All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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