I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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