I cut my penus on the lid.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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