happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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