apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
