Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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