I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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