Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
