True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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